


Tone Deaf

by SeoulWings13



Series: LiT - D.Min/Dongho Centric [3]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, dongho needs a hug, dont we all, rey why did you write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:46:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28923057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeoulWings13/pseuds/SeoulWings13
Summary: Dongho is kinda, tone-deaf.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun/Lee Minsoo
Series: LiT - D.Min/Dongho Centric [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2167359
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Tone Deaf

**Author's Note:**

> :/
> 
> lowkey a vent fic, but not really. I like it. 
> 
> I apologize it's so short. 
> 
> emotions are hard. i just cant feel

**"It's [self-worth] knowing that you define yourself and not others"**

**\---------------**

To be tone-deaf meant one is unable to perceive differences of musical pitch accurately. To Dongho, it meant to be unable to determine to differentiate vocal and social queues. He was unable to deal with people and their complex emotions. He survived school as a loner, finding no warmth in anyone once they grew up. High school was hard; he knew he was being strung along and used, but he just wanted to fit in. 

Understanding body language had always come easily to him. He watched the way people moved whenever they spoke, formulating his own ways to understand what was going on. Punctuation was his best friend. Dongho still marveled at how there were symbols to tell what the intention of the sentence meant. If only he could see them in real life. 

Phrasing of sentences helped him so much. People were so vague with their words and everything that'd make sense to a normal person, just didn't make sense to him. Somehow, he'd ended up in college. Somehow, he'd end up with three other guys in a dorm, of which he didn't know very well. It was scary. People were scary. Dongho stayed in his room, most of the time. If he didn't try, they couldn't hurt. Not that he felt. He disassociated so often, feeling numb most of the time. 

He couldn't hear. He couldn't hear it. It wasn't his fault he moved his hands and tended to look up when people were talking to him. He'd cock his ear closer to their mouth, trying to just grasp what they were telling him. It was rude. It had gotten him in so much trouble. He'd disappointed so many people. 

Online, he found himself, friends. Texting cues, re-reading the sentences, and punctuation. It was all visual. It was so beautiful and it made so much sense. Oh gosh, it made so much sense. He never thought it could, but it did. There was nothing visual about it. Emotions were lost, but he was never good at them anyway. There was nothing he had to listen to. 

Classes were so hard. Listening amidst all the distractions, again. Working with other people even more difficult than he could have thought. His three roommates were more understanding than he could've thought. They all had a spark though, something Dongho couldn't place. They shone, and maybe, he'd open up to them. 

Who was Kang Dongho though?

Was he the perfect kid in elementary and middle school?

Was he the kid who was a social outcast because he couldn't get it?

Was he the idiot all his teachers thought he was?

Was he the boy who liked a girl and changed himself for her, only to find out she didn't care about him?

Was he the person so lost on who they were because he just wasn't sure what he was supposed to be?

Was he the idiot who just couldn't feel at this point? 

Was he the boy who just wrote music with no backing tracks?

Kang Dongho wasn't a person, anymore. He was just a shell with anxiety, depression, a lack of self-worth, and a confused little boy. He wasn't even that old. Self-care went out the window. Self-hatred appeared. He was just so mad he wasn't enough. He was never enough. Promises were made and broken. 

Skin turned raw and red.

Venting just left him hollow. He couldn't formulate ideas or perform the simple act of trying to hear the difference between a statement or question. It just didn't click for him. He made an effort to stop trying to move to look at people. He made an effort to stop processing everything he was given.

He missed so much of what people were saying to him. 

He was always paying attention. He was always trying to process the input, even if they didn't let him. There was nothing he was supposed to do but pretend to be normal. There was nothing like normal though. No one was normal, if everyone was normal, there'd be nothing to make people stand out. 

He stood out. 

Like a sore thumb. 

Online he was able to tell people things. "I can't feel right now." Mental issues were acknowledged even though he couldn't get himself to get a formal diagnosis. He probably needed anti-depressants for his anxiety and depression. Not that he'd get them. 

Why was it so hard to explain himself in speaking words, and why was it so scary to send it in a message? Why was it so hard to feel?

Dongho could tell if he liked something and if he didn't. He could feel joy. Just more often than anything, he felt numb and depressed. 

He had to fix himself. 

Overstimulation was a trap, and definitely unsustainable. Forcing himself to not feel, even when the news his cat was dying came, when he was so stressed he threw up, and when he was running on so little sleep, the world went fuzzy. Food was consumed sparsely. He was just working all the time. Maybe it'd heal his head. Maybe he just wanted a friend who'd understand. The input was too much, and that's how he liked it. 

He couldn't have time to feel if that wall of things to do was too much. Until he couldn't keep going anymore. 

Jaewon found him crying behind the couch. Everything had hit him at once. Overwhelming exhaustion, emotion, and everything swamped him. It had hit at the worst possible time when he was trying to speak and take feedback. They thought he was rude. They thought he couldn't take feedback. He was trying so hard to listen to them. So hard.

It was then, he was enveloped in a hug and a blanket. Jaewon didn't understand. He couldn't get it, but he could be there. Dongho went to bed early that night, trying to function for later. There wasn't anything he could do but be there. Minsoo came home that night, and just sat next to the boys. Daehyun joined them, but Dongho didn't know when. 

He wasn't going to change overnight. But maybe, he could find out, who Kang Dongho was. Understand his own self-worth. Be his own person. He just had to find whatever the heck that meant. He wasn't a person as much as a ghost. 

**Author's Note:**

> .-.
> 
> i felt so much i began to feel nothing at all


End file.
